Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
