Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
