I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
