Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
