I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
