do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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