My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
