so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
