I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
