thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
two words: eviction party
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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