he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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