It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he's gonorrhea incarnate
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
