You're my little dorito
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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