ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
