Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
