apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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