At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
