I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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