Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
