toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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