I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
