I'm passing your future prison.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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