Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
