i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm getting married
To pizza
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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