they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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