i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
