Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think I sprained my soul last night
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
