I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
