I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
