I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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