Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
