i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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