It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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