So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
