Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
