eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
