well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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