I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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