You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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