Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
