i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize