did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
