I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize