i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
