I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
