I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
