o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
