You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
