it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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