Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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