my phone needs a breathalizer
She announced her abortion via fbk
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dear god my vagina.
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