remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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