You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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