i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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