I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
