So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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