i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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