I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
