i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize