I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize