my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
