Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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