I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
