How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
